Greeting Grief (Again) and the Awakening
My oh my. August. August August August. What a month. I don’t think I’ve ever had a Mercury Retrograde like that before. It was the worst bundle of dominoes I had dealt with in years hands down and to be honest I dont know how I am still standing.. actually I am not but I’ll get to that later 😂 Even though it seemed like the Universe was against me, I truly believe if your world completely tears apart and is ripped to shreds, it’s for a reason – so things can be pieced back together for a stronger foundation.
Losing my grandpa at five years old was bittersweet. I remember his funeral, would be understandably sad at times but always had spiritual experiences and signs that he was always with me – including him reaching out to me via a psychic a few months ago. So I guess you could say, I never fully grieved in a way, because it was like he never left. He just simply shapeshifted!
It’s been a whole week since I lost someone I was very close to. Ashley was the first unfamiliar face I greeted when I moved to Cornwall two years ago. She was the mother I never had and meeting her was the catalyst for all the growth I’ve achieved and the growth I am about to embark on since being down here. It was abrupt, unexpected and I’ll miss her exuberant self, her angelic face, her kindness, how she was the light during the dark days, how she always saw the light and potential in me. I’ll miss running up to her lounge for a cuppa and how I’ll tell her boys are silly and she’ll crack a joke and say don’t date a cornish one. I’ll miss her stomps and hoovering, her evening yawns and her coffee machine going off every morning. She was a true angel, a cut throat cool chick and the kindest senseless soul. She was taken way too soon and it all still feels cruel. But I feel like she’s already changing things for me. She’s weaving her magic up there and I can feel it.
A day after she passed away, I came down with the flu and a chest infection. My body was literally telling me to slow down. But I still dragged myself to work everyday for four days straight after the dreadful news. Even when transport was cancelled on the last day of the work week, I still went and persisted through the tears and still ignored the signs. I just kept going.
Then when I came home that day, I broke down next to her car still parked outside. It felt surreal and unfair. I was grappling with disbelief and coming to terms with acceptance. Later that evening, I managed to fly into the pothole next to her car. The cut was deep (almost to the bone). It needed three stitches, stopped me from walking and stopped me from working for a few days.
I was forced to be alone and really sit with myself and evaluate my life as it is. The psychic had been right after all. I need to change my lifestyle and instill more stillness and slowness. I had been putting off the inner work I needed to do on myself for far too long. I was complaining about not having a car and not having acheived the rest of my goals. But not being able to work has allowed me to have gratitude for what I do have and patience for what’s yet to come. As I am forced to confront my shadow self, I realised that true happiness and emotional regulation comes from within by instilling daily discipline, breathwork and good habits. You have to choose yourself every day. Constantly trying to run away from the discomfort of your circumstances and inner self improvement solves nothing. The key is in the feeling and counting the blessings. So I welcome change with open arms and have decided to fuel my soul with wholesomeness, periodic solitude and self discovery. I have made decisions in honour of her and all the advice and lessons she taught me. She’ll be in my heart and in my memory forever. She always saw me for who I alway was.. so I will follow the light and make her proud.
As I morph into the woman I’ve always been destined to become, I write this to those who it needs to find. An awakening of the soul can be terrifying at first.. but so abundant. Everything happens for a reason. Even the inconveniences, they’re never against you.. they’re always for your highest good. 🤍🕊
Love & light, Imi xx
